This topic has been heavy on my heart for sometime now, some of you reading this may know this part of my story and others may not even know nothing about it. But I'm writing this in hopes to encourage some one out there who has lost a father, whether it be a biological father, step father, adopted father, or maybe a man who was like a father figure in your life. Believe me when I say this... I understand your pain. And I know some of you may hear that a lot, but you see I can relate to you because I've been there, I know the feelings and emotions you go through, the questions the "why, what if, how, etc...", questions that nobody seems to have an answer for. I'm not here to try to give you an answer to those questions... what I'm here for is to tell you that you are not fatherless. You might think that I'm crazy but when I'm finished I promise you that you'll understand.
You may not have a physical earthly father but you DO have a heavenly Father. Psalms 68:5 says "God in His holy dwelling is a father of the fatherless..." (HCSB) For a long time I didn't really grasp the understanding of this verse, but as I matured in my faith I've gotten a better understanding of it.
I grew up in the church, I was raised in a Christian home with biblical standards and teachings, knowing that there is a God. A God Who loves me, Who is always there for me, Who won't ever abandon me or leave me, Who is full of power and strength, Who is able to move mountains, heal the sick, the lame and the blind. There was no doubt in my mind that God couldn't do any or even more of those miraculous things... I was at church almost every day with my family, I knew every Sunday school song from "Father Abraham" to "Read your Bible pray everyday.." I was a beast at all them songs, I knew them all. My dad made sure we were all dressed every Sunday or any other day the church was open so that we could get there on time. My dad was a man of faith, he was also my best friend, my hero, my hiding place, my place of safety, my everything. I was very close to him, and I was and forever will be his baby girl/daddy's girl ♡
I was nine years old when my dad was first diagnosed with cancer, being so young and not knowing what it was only that my dad was getting weaker and weaker. For months I would spend time in prayer for my dad to be healed; and God answered my prayer. I had soooo much faith in God that I could've walked on water (not literally) lol, but little did I know that the day would come when the cancer would come back worse than before and my dad would soon be gone from me and my family forever. I remember praying for months again just like I did years before, I spent countless nights up crying to God, pleading to heal my dad once again. But this time there was no healing...
My dad passed a few months before my twelfth birthday. I was not myself that day. I remember at the hospital sitting in the waiting room that day waiting to go see and visit my dad when I heard weeping and sobbing in the hallway outside the door. I knew something was wrong but I couldn't make out the sounds of those cries because I never heard them before. But I knew the time had come, I tried to avoid the noise and fight the feelings because I just knew God was gonna answer my prayers once again because I knew that He was a God that could do anything until I saw the look on my pastor's face. As our pastor lead us to the comforting room I tried to hold back the tears because I didn't want to believe that the God that I knew all about, the God that I pray to, the God that I worship, the God that is supposed to be my healer let my prayers slip through His hands. As they tried to explain to my younger sisters and I the death of our father tears came streaming down my face. I couldn't understand how a God that said that He loved me soooo much could let him die, I just couldn't comprehend that. And because of that I grew so angry and bitter towards God, I was mad at Him for allowing that to happen for years. My dad wasn't the only thing that I lost that day... on that day my hope, faith, trust, and everything else crumbled, my world was literally upside down and changed forever. As years went by I started to get numb to the world, I felt like dying. I started trying to fill that emptiness/void, that God sized hole with everything else but God. Throughout this time of my dad's sickness I went through a lot of things that caused me to lose trust in God, things that I couldn't imagine having to go through.
I used to despise father's day because it was a reminder of someone that I didn't have here with me anymore, all the father's day cards, posts and pics and not being able to wake up on that day and say "happy father's day daddy" only made me hurt more inside. I remember crying out to God and asking all these questions but the main one I asked was " Why?", "WHY GOD??!" Have you ever gotten to a point in your life where you're just like 'why GOD, WHY??!' I've been there done that several times in my life but sometimes I realized that I needed to sit back and ask God "what is it that you are trying to teach me through this?" or "God show me the reason for this happening", or better yet "God where are you in this...?" and then listen and wait and be quiet enough to hear His voice. You may not get an answer right away or even years later but He will reveal it to you when the time is right. I still don't fully understand why my dad had to pass but I trust God enough to believe that EVERYTHING is done according to His perfect plan. The bible says God knew us before He formed us in our mother's womb ~ Jeremiah 1:5, then in Ephesians 1:11 He says that He already chose us to be His own children just like the plan He had.
Then it says in Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." You see it's all about having faith and trust in God, that is how I made it through these past few years. I cant give you an exact answer to why it happened, neither can your pastor(s), mentors, friends. You have to trust that God works ALL things out for the good -Romans 8:28. We will never understand God, or the way God sets things up and into place because His ways are higher than ours, His thoughts are higher than ours too, so no amount of thinking and researching will we be able to fully comprehend the plan(s) of God.
Even throughout my bitterness God continued to call me and shower me in His love, a LOVE I will never be able to understand. A LOVE that said, "I'm going to die for you even though you hate me and are angry with me, even though you push me away, and reject me..." God is calling for you, I don't know who you are or where you are in life but God wants to be that father to you. He desires to be that heavenly Father and draw near to you, you just have to call on Him and trust Him that He's working things out for your good. Psalm 145:18 says: "The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." God is waiting for you to turn around and call on Him! You don't have to do it alone, that's what I thought, don't be like me bitter and waiting years to call on Him when He's been there all along waiting patiently until finally I reached out and called His name. He longs to be your father He will NEVER leave you nor forsaken you -Deuteronomy 31:6 that is His promise to us.
As I was writing I felt to write this... Some of you don't know how important a father's role is in a child's life is, especially a girl's life (no matter the age). You see it's pretty easy to take for granted the things that you have but when it's gone that's when you realize what you had. And I write this with tears in my eyes because some of you take for granted your fathers who are still living; you ignore, mistreat, block, push away...etc. It makes me think of some of our relationships with God our father and it's really sad because I used to do that to God. I would push Him away thinking that He was the reason/cause for my dad's death, but He wasn't, sin was... because when sin entered the world so did death, disease, hurt, pain, murder all these different types of bad things. That is why God had to send His one and only son to save us/redeem us from sin so that we can live eternally with Him. But back to what I was saying is that you only get one father in this life and I know some of them might have caused you pain, hurt you, rejected you, abused you, neglected you, etc... I personally never had to experience that type of pain from a father but my heart and prayers go out to those of you that did, and I want to encourage you to forgive them and cherish them because you never know when their time on earth will be done. you're not forgiving them to give them power, you're forgiving them for your freedom. I'm not saying forgive them and allow them to keep on hurting you, abusing you, or rejecting you if that is the case... But I'm saying to forgive them and lay that burden of hurt, pain, and rejection at the feet of Jesus and allow Him to mend and restore that relationship, but most importantly pray for your dad and allow God's will to be done in that relationship.
I'm not going to sit here and act like I understand why God allowed it to happen because I don't and I know that losing anyone that you love and care about is like going through hell but I also know that through it all He was thinking of me and you. NO one will ever be able to replace my dad or your dad and years from now it will still hurt like it was that day. BUT one thing I know for sure is that we have a MIGHTY Heavenly Father who cares for us, provides for us, protects us, heals us, shed His precious blood for us, and DIED AND ROSE AGAIN FOR US! I could go on and on about all the goodness and faithfulness that God has shown me over the years and throughout the hard/good times in my life. I have joy just knowing that one day I will be united with my dad again :) So be encouraged and know that you are not alone and you are NOT fatherless, rest assured because your father is the King of KINGS and Lord of LORDS! He is ALWAYS with you and will NEVER leave you or forsake you... Trust His plan for your life, trust Him through the dark times, He is FAITHFUL!
Love you all SO very much,
Joy J. <3
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